第十八章（第5/14页）

"Why, because I can't. And you would soon hate it.” "As if you couldn't trust me," she said.

“呵，因为我无法说服自己。而你很快也会感到厌倦。”“就像你无法信任我一样。”她说。

The grin flickered on his face.

他苦笑着。

"The money is yours, the position is yours, the decisions will lie with you. I'm not just my Lady's fucker, after all.” "What else are you?" "You may well ask. It no doubt is invisible. Yet I'm something to myself at least. I can see the point of my own existence, though I can quite understand nobody else's seeing it.” "And will your existence have less point, if you live with me?" He paused a long time before replying: "It might." She too stayed to think about it.

“你手握金钱，坐拥地位，将决定权牢牢掌控。毕竟，我不只是夫人您的纵欲机器。”“不然，你还是什么”“也难怪你会这样问。毫无疑问，那是看不见摸不着的。但我从不妄自菲薄。我清楚自己生存的意义，虽然我也能理解别人无法看透这一点。”“如果你跟我共同生活，生存的意义会因此减少吗？”他沉默许久，然后回答：“或许会。”她也陷入思考当中。

"And what is the point of your existence?" "I tell you, it's invisible. I don't believe in the world, not in money, nor in advancement, nor in the future of our civilization. If there's got to be a future for humanity, there'll have to be a very big change from what now is.” "And what will the real future have to be like?" "God knows! I can feel something inside me, all mixed up with a lot of rage. But what it really amounts to, I don't know.” "Shall I tell you?" she said, looking into his face. "Shall I tell you what you have that other men don't have, and that will make the future? Shall I tell you?” "Tell me then," he replied.

“你生存的意义究竟是什么？”“我已经说过，那无法言喻。我不相信这个世界，对金钱及进步充满怀疑，甚至对人类文明的未来不抱希望。如果人类想拥有未来，如今的社会必须经历翻天覆地的变革。”“那真正的未来到底是怎样的呢？”“只有上帝才知道！在内心世界，我能感受到某些东西，它们跟无穷无尽的愤怒缠绕在一起。但它究竟是怎样的，我说不清楚。”“我来告诉你答案好吗？”她凝视着他的脸，说道。“我来告诉你，你拥有而其他男人缺少的是什么，真正能够缔造未来的是什么。你想知道吗？”“那就告诉我吧。”他答道。

"It's the courage of your own tenderness, that's what it is: like when you put your hand on my tail and say I've got a pretty tail.” The grin came flickering on his face.

“那就是你有着拥有真挚情感的勇气，你会用手抚摸着我的屁股，真心真意地赞美它，起作用的正是这种情感。”他的脸上再度露出苦笑。

"That!" he said.

“那个呀！”他说。

Then he sat thinking.

接着，他又默默思忖起来。

"Ay!" he said.

“是呀！”他说。

"You're right. It's that really. It's that all the way through. I knew it with the men. I had to be in touch with them, physically, and not go back on it. I had to be bodily aware of them and a bit tender to them, even if I put 'em through hell. It's a question of awareness, as Buddha said. But even he fought shy of the bodily awareness, and that natural physical tenderness, which is the best, even between men; in a proper manly way. Makes 'em really manly, not so monkeyish. Ay! it's tenderness, really; it's cunt-awareness.

“你说得有道理。的确是这种情感。自始至终都是它在起作用。与同性相处时，我也能体验到这种情感。我必须毫无保留地跟他们接触，绝不背弃这种情感。我必须切身地感受到他们，对他们怀有柔情，甚至对他们严加训教的时候也是如此。就像佛祖所言，这是个感受的问题。可即便是佛祖自己，也羞于承认身体的感受，刻意回避与生俱来的肉体温情，而这恰恰是至真至善的，甚至男人之间也是如此，必须以男子汉的方式来解决。让男人成为真正的男子汉，而不仅仅像猴子似的。是呀！的确是情感，是性爱的感受。

Sex is really only touch, the closest of all touch. And it's touch we're afraid of. We're only half-conscious, and half alive. We've got to come alive and aware. Especially the English have got to get into touch with one another, a bit delicate and a bit tender. It's our crying need.” She looked at him.

性爱其实只是种接触，是最亲密无间的接触。也正是你我最害怕的接触。我们的意识并未完全清醒，我们的生命同样不够完整。我们必须彻底清醒过来，迎接完整的生命。英国人尤其如此，必须拿出一点点体贴，献出一点点柔情，诚心诚意地与彼此相处。这是当务之急。”她望着他。