第十四章（第7/15页）

“我恨不得弄死她们。当我和地道的女同性恋共处，我的内心都在咆哮，只想置她于死地。”“你会怎么做？”“躲得远远的，动作越快越好。”“但你认为与男同性恋相比，女同更加不可救药吗？”“当然！因为她们让我吃到更多苦头。从理论上来讲，我也分不清两者的优劣。要是遇到女同性恋，无论她自己是否意识到这一点，我总会火冒三丈。不，不！可我不再想与任何女人有瓜葛。我宁愿孤身一人，让清静和尊严得以存续。”他脸色苍白，眉头紧锁。

"And were you sorry when I came along?" She asked.

“我的出现，让你感到懊悔吗？”她问。

"I was sorry and I was glad." "And what are you now?" "I'm sorry, from the outside: all the complications and the ugliness and recrimination that's bound to come, sooner or later. That's when my blood sinks, and I'm low. But when my blood comes up, I'm glad. I'm even triumphant. I was really getting bitter. I thought there was no real sex left: never a woman who'd really "come" naturally with a man: except black women, and somehow, well, we're white men: and they're a bit like mud.” "And now, are you glad of me?" She asked.

“既懊悔，又开心。”“那你现在的感受呢？”“我的烦恼来自外界：错综复杂的纠纷，无比丑陋的责难，终究都会到来，不过是早晚的问题而已。当我情绪低落，灰心丧气的时候，往往会这么想。而每当情绪高昂，血脉贲张的时候，却又感觉洋洋自得。甚至是兴高采烈。之前，我确实愈发苦恼。我以为再也遇不到酣畅淋漓的性爱，再也没有能跟男人共享高潮的女人，但黑人女子除外，可我们毕竟是白人，而她们的肤色却有点像泥巴。”“那么现在呢，拥有我，你感到开心吗？”她问。

"Yes! When I can forget the rest. When I can't forget the rest, I want to get under the table and die.” "Why under the table?" "Why?" He laughed. "Hide, I suppose. Baby!" "You do seem to have had awful experiences of women," she said.

“当然！要是能抛开杂念，我确实很开心。可如果做不到，我只想钻到桌子底下死掉。”“为什么要钻到桌子底下？”“为什么？”他笑道。“躲起来吧。宝贝！”“你与女人相处的经历，的确糟糕透顶。”她评价道。

"You see, I couldn't fool myself. That's where most men manage. They take an attitude, and accept a lie. I could never fool myself. I knew what I wanted with a woman, and I could never say I'd got it when I hadn't.” "But have you got it now?" "Looks as if I might have." "Then why are you so pale and gloomy?" "Bellyful of remembering: and perhaps afraid of myself.” She sat in silence. It was growing late.

“我无法做到自欺欺人。而多数男人却能做得到。他们装模作样，面对谎言，慨然接受。我却无法愚弄自己。我清楚自己想从女人那里得到什么，如果未能如愿，我绝不会信口雌黄。”“可你现在如愿以偿了吗？”“似乎是这样。”“那么，你为何还整天苍白无力，愁眉不展？”“满腹回忆难以疏解，或许还有些畏惧自己。”她默默地坐着。夜已深沉。

"And do you think it's important, a man and a woman?” She asked him.

“你真的那么看重男女之事吗？”她问。

"For me it is. For me it's the core of my life: if I have a right relation with a woman.” "And if you didn't get it?” "Then I'd have to do without.” Again she pondered, before she asked: "And do you think you've always been right with women?” "God, no! I let my wife get to what she was: my fault a good deal. I spoilt her. And I'm very mistrustful. You'll have to expect it. It takes a lot to make me trust anybody, inwardly. So perhaps I'm a fraud too. I mistrust. And tenderness is not to be mistaken.” She looked at him.

“对我来说，确实如此。对我来说，是否能跟女人保持正常的性关系，是生活的重心所在。”“可如果得不到呢？”“那我宁愿独身一人。”她沉思片刻，然后再度发问。“你认为自己总能善待女人吗？”“天呢，不！我妻子之所以落得今天这步田地，我要负主要责任。是我宠坏了她。我太过多疑。你以后就会晓得。要我真正相信任何人，确实很困难。或许我本身就是个骗子。所以才会缺乏信任。感情却不容误解。”她望着他。

"You don't mistrust with your body, when your blood comes up," she said. "You don't mistrust then, do you?” "No, alas! That's how I've got into all the trouble. And that's why my mind mistrusts so thoroughly.” "Let your mind mistrust. What does it matter!"