第十六章（第16/20页）

阿贝拉尔（注：1079-1142，法国经院哲学家，神学家，先驱逻辑学家）说过，自己与埃洛伊兹（注：1101？-1164，法国修女，作家，学者，曾任女修道院院长，与阿贝拉尔的恋情更是成为传奇）相爱的岁月里，曾将情欲的所有花样和妙处都尝遍，康妮常常因此感到迷惑不解。原来性欲之美，千百年前的先人就已体验！描写性爱的画作在希腊古瓶上随处可见！激情的微妙，性欲的放纵！让欲火将伪善的羞耻烧光，将体内最沉重的矿石熔化，达到纯洁的境地，必须让它燃烧，无休无止地燃烧下去。那是纯纯粹粹的情欲之火。

In the short summer night she learnt so much. She would have thought a woman would have died of shame. Instead of which, the shame died. Shame, which is fear: the deep Organic shame, the old, old physical fear which crouches in the bodily roots of us, and can only be chased away by the sensual fire, at last it was roused up and routed by the phallic hunt of the man, and she came to the very heart of the jungle of herself. She felt, now, she had come to the real bed-rock of her nature, and was essentially shameless. She was her sensual self, naked and unashamed. She felt a triumph, almost a vainglory. So! That was how it was! That was life! That was how oneself really was! There was nothing left to disguise or be ashamed of. She shared her ultimate nakedness with a man, another being.

在这个短暂的夏夜，她受益良多。她本以为女人会因羞耻而亡。然而现在，走向灭亡的却是羞耻本身。羞耻的本质其实就是恐惧，在肉体的深处，暗藏着对官能的深切羞耻，对肉欲的古老恐惧，只有欲火能够将它们驱走。最终，引导这欲火的是男人阳物的进击，将她带到心灵丛林的中心之处。她感觉，此刻已经置身天然情欲喷发的当口，羞耻在这里荡然无存。如今的自我只知享受性欲的快感，赤裸着，但却毫无羞耻之心。她体验到胜利的感觉，甚至禁不住自负起来。原来如此！这才是一切的真相！这才是生命的真谛！这才是人类本来的面目！世间本没有可掩饰或者羞耻的东西。她正与一个男人，与另一种生命，共享这无羞无耻的终极赤裸。

And what a reckless devil the man was! Really like a devil! One had to be strong to bear him. But it took some getting at, the core of the physical jungle, the last and deepest recess of organic shame. The phallos alone could explore it. And how he had pressed in on her!

而这个男人就像个厚颜无耻的恶魔！彻彻底底的恶魔！只有身心强健的女子，才能禁得住这种蹂躏。要抵达肉体丛林的最深处，寻得官能羞耻最后的藏身之地，需要无所畏惧，披荆斩棘。而只有男人的阳物才能完成这探索的重任。因此，他才会跟她这样如胶似漆！

And how, in fear, she had hated it. But how she had really wanted it! She knew now. At the bottom of her soul, fundamentally, she had needed this phallic hunting Out, she had secretly wanted it, and she had believed that she would never get it. Now suddenly there it was, and a man was sharing her last and final nakedness, she was shameless.

惊恐时分，她曾经对它充满憎恨。可其实，她对它充满渴求！如今，她深切地了解到这些。在她的灵魂深处，她曾对它的探寻充满向往，暗暗地想得到它，并且以为自己永远无法如愿。如今，它从天而降，她毫无羞耻之心，与情郎畅享着自己身心彻底的赤裸。

What liars poets and everybody were! They made one think one wanted sentiment. When what one supremely wanted was this piercing, consuming, rather awful sensuality. To find a man who dared do it, without shame or sin or final misgiving! If he had been ashamed afterwards, and made one feel ashamed, how awful! What a pity most men are so doggy, a bit shameful, like Clifford! Like Michaelis even! Both sensually a bit doggy and humiliating. The supreme pleasure of the mind! And what is that to a woman? What is it, really, to the man either! He becomes merely messy and doggy, even in his mind. It needs sheer sensuality even to purify and quicken the mind. Sheer fiery sensuality, not messiness.

诗人和世人都在散布谎言！他们让女人相信，自己需要的是情感。但女人真正迫切需要的是这种酣畅淋漓，荡魂摄魄，让人又爱又怕的性欲。找个敢于与你共享性爱的男人吧，他得能将羞耻和罪恶抛开，忘却最后的疑虑！如果完事后，男人觉得羞耻，让女人也感到羞耻，那实在是糟糕透顶！真可惜，大多数男人都唯唯诺诺，受羞耻心的驱遣，克利福德就是如此！甚至连米凯利斯都是这样！他俩在性欲方面都难如人意，甚至以此为羞。他们追求的是精神的无上快乐！可那对女人来讲有个屁用！事实上，即使对男人而言，也根本是水月镜花！这种畸形的追求只会让男人变得一塌糊涂，毫无丈夫气概，甚至连精神领域也是如此。要使精神世界得到净化和振奋，靠的是赤裸裸的欲望。火一般炙热的性欲，而不是剪不断理还乱的空想。